BIG RED BUTTON
by KafkaExMachina
Summary: DO NOT PUSH!
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Harry Potter and Company are wholly owned by J.K. Rowling et. al. I am making no profit from their work.

A\N: DO NOT READ THIS STORY

SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCKING READ IT.

If you read this story, please tell me what you think. Seriously. I want to bask in you cries of agony.

If you read this and don't review, I'll post more chapters. And I'll hunt you down and make you read them.

Seriously, I swear I'll post more if I don't get at least twenty-five reviews.

By the way, I dedicate this story to the kind-hearted souls who live over at DarkLordPotter. Your cheerful and kind reviews make me want to hug fluffy puppies.

LAST CHANCE TO PRESS THE BIG RED X OR THE BACK BUTTON!

NO, WAIT, THIS IS YOUR LAST CHANCE TO PUSH THE BACK BUTTON!

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAN DO NOT READ THIS STORY!

DON'T DO IT! YOU'VE GOT SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR!

GO READ XXXbloodyrists666XXX MY IMMORTAL INSTEAD! IT'S GOT TO BE BETTER THAN THIS PILE OF DRAGON DUNG!

You have been warned.

…

Harry Potter wasn't your ordinary boy. Oh no, he wasn't ordinary at all. In fact, he was so not ordinary that his ordinary relatives threw him in a cubboard for his whole childhood. So he sat in the cubboard and was sad because he wasn't ordinary, listened to Good Charlotte on his iPod and cut himself to make the pain go away.

But it didn't.

Or did it?

Anyhow, this not ordinary boy had a secret. He was actually a cat-boy, and when the moon was full he would grow fuzzy purple ears and a fuzzy tail. Then he'd wear super-tight pants and dream about how empty and hollow his life was. And he'd wear glitter.

(A\N: I thought I'd throw in an author's note here, because I felt like it. Kind of like Moody's CONSTANT VIGILANCE, only less appropriate.)

So, then Harry Potter found out he was a wizard. And he could cast spells, and make his iPod magical so he'd hear every Good Charlotte song ever written in the universe but it didn't take away the pain.

Or did it?

Then Harry met Herman Granger, who was a super-smart and super-bossy girl with a super-ordinary name and Ron who was the coolest strategist ever. Luckily for Harry, they solved all of his problems. And then he found out how much fun butt-sex was, because Draco bribed him with glitter and yarn. And the years passed, with Harry going back to his ordinary relatives, and Herman and Ron started a band. Harry wanted to be the lead singer, but Draco bribed him with butt-sex, so Harry decided he'd write all the lyrics and be a drummer instead.

Or did he?

Now one day on the full moon, Harry was playing with some yarn and feeling very empty and hollow because Draco didn't give him any butt-sex. Argus Filch caught him in the hall. "Bad Kitty! I'm going to have to give you a special detention!"

Harry was very scared, and cried. Herman appeared out of thin air and comforted him, because Herman was very smart and could tell whenever Harry was in trouble. Then Mrs. Norris showed up and rubbed her head against Herman's breasts. Herman became very excited, and let Harry go. Argus grabbed Harry and chained him to the wall. Filch became very angry because Harry's super-tight girl-pants were hard to take off, and Filch was a squib who couldn't do magic. Then Dumbledore showed up in shiny glittery robes. Harry felt his super-tight girl pants get tighter as his penis grew ten gajillion times bigger.

"Oh ho! What have we here?" Dumbledore said with a twinkle in his crotch.

"Harry's a bad kitty, and I can't take off his super-tight girl pants!" Filch complained.

Dumbledore nodded, and waved his wand while saying "upersay-ightsay irlgay antspay offus!" Harry's super-tight girl pants fell off of him with a pop. Harry's already gajillion times bigger penis got a gajillion times bigger, and started to throb.

Meanwhile, Mrs. Norris had put on a strap-on dildo, and was busily humping Herman's hiney. Herman squealed and wiggled, but Mrs. Norris wouldn't let her go. Then a cat showed up. It said, "My name is Artemis, and I haven't raped any felines in years, ever since the FFML banned me." Then Artemis started raping Mrs. Norris while Mrs. Norris was raping Herman. Then Ron showed up and with his super-chess-playing skills, figured out that Herman really wanted him and he started putting his penis in Herman's mouth.

Meanwhile, Filch started banging away on Harry while Dumbledore stuck his 'magic wand' in Harry's mouth. Harry started to cry, because he missed his Draco, and he missed his super-tight girl pants. Now just along that time, Hagrid showed up with Snape. While Hagrid was big and ugly, Snape was super-sexy and dark and scary, and he made Harry's penis grow another bajillion times bigger. So Hagrid thought that they were having fun and he pulled out his 'magic wand' and started to 'clean Filch's floors.' Argus wasn't very happy, but he couldn't say anything because Snape stuck his penis in his mouth. Now while this great big pile of twisty man-flesh was throbbing and grinding, Voldemort showed up with his band and they started playing Good Charlotte covers. They were very bad, so Harry used accidental magic and killed them all. Dumbledore was very happy and shot his load all over Harry, but because Harry was a super-magic cat-boy male veela (A\N: I forgot to mention that? ROFLCOPTERZ!) Dumbledore was able to keep it up.

Now Harry was very sad, and feeling a little sore, when he saw the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen. She had red hair and looked just like his mother. It made his penis grow another bajillion times bigger. They locked eyes, and Harry instantly fell in love. He'd have said something, but Dumbledore's 'magic wand' was still in his mouth. So Ginny floated over (A\N: Cuz she's a half-angel/half-elf/half-were-bunny) and waved her hand, and the power of love made Good Charlotte play over and over. Harry was very happy, until Ginny floated over to Herman and Ron and declared her eternal love. She grabbed Mrs. Norris by the collar and threw her against the wall with a great big 'thud.' Then she grew a super-elven-magic-were-bunny penis and started to hump Herman. Herman was very happy. Harry was very sad, until girl!Blaize showed up out of nowhere and became a "canon" character, who saved him.

Or did she?


	2. Chapter 2

A\N: Sigh… another rec… another chapter

A\N: Sigh… another rec… another chapter.

o.O

"You have a basement. I'm moving my stuff down there," Harry stated to his flabbergasted uncle.

Vernon turned an unseemly shade of puce. Or was it mauve? I'm not sure; I'll have to call a metrosexual. "What? Boy! You should be happy with"

"DON'T YOU KNOW WHO I AM?!" Harry screamed, cutting Vernon off mid-rant. "I AM THE DARK LORD POTTER!"

Vernon blinked. He blinked again. He blinked a third time, just to be sure. "Eh, what?"

"That's right, you retard, I am the Dark Lord Potter, reamer of the undeserving and master of the asinine comment!"

"Boy, have you lost your mind? And what the bloody hell is that disgusting hairy thing on your face?" Vernon spat.

Harry stroked his tangled, unkempt mass of man-hair. "This, Uncle Vernon, is a **neckbeard**, the symbol of my manliness and source of all my power."

"Right... so, say I let you live in the basement… what then?" Vernon asked, almost reasonably.

"Well, as Dark Lord Potter, I shall spend all of my time online, looking for inferior people; people whose opinions differ from my own. Then I shall insult them, making sure they can't reply, proving again my superior masculinity. Afterwards, I will sit back with a John Ringo novel and masturbate to the latest Soldier-of-fortune magazine; perhaps fantasizing about having sex with my mother, with a female version of myself from another dimension, or any number of Slytherin females who have no signs of personality whatsoever. Especially that Blaize Zabini, whom I still pretend is female, even though I know otherwise. Then, just to be safe, I shall call other people insulting names to cover up my hyper-masculine incestuous desires. Don't worry; you won't see me again, as Dark Lord Potter does not have the social acumen necessary to blend in with even the most abhorrent of subcultures. I shall, however, **blog**."

"And if I say no?" Vernon asked, unable to tear the conversation away from the train-wreck of social detritus that embodied this…Dark Lord Potter.

Harry whipped out a twenty-sided die, and held it proudly above his head. "With this emblem of power, I shall become a merciless killing machine, completely ignoring anything so gay and retarded as character development or canon!"

Vernon shook his head in disgust. "Boy, I think it's time I beat the stupid out of you."

Harry's eyes flashed. He held the die aloft and cried, "BY THE POWER OF NECKBEARD, I HAVE THE NORRIS!" Then he began flailing against his uncle like a tweaking flipper-baby slap-fighting a Buick.

Vernon didn't know whether to laugh, cry, or vomit. "Pet! Get your scrawny arse down here and deal with the boy! He's from **your** side of the family, thank God."


End file.
